doll faces

•DOLLHOUSE•

“Mom, please wake up. Dad’s with a slut, and your son is smoking cannabis.” Everyone thinks that we’re perfect
Please don’t let them look through the curtains.

Perhaps I’ve been numb to this concept of fidelity, that physically being in complete family is more important than the trust and relationship of a married couple. How messed up is that? The porcelain covering of a family being perfect, with a good house, good family, good children, good everything. This facade doesn’t just apply to outsiders, it’s even a mask within the family. All these problems, swept under the carpet, leaving Her hurt, abandoned, and useless. Your tiger teeth, grinning ear to ear when you’re elated to see us, yet your face stone cold when you glance at Her, as if you have the liberty and authority to abuse Her emotionally and treat Her like she’s nothing. Raising your voice, to thumb Her down and invalidate Her emotions.

The perspective of a girl, witnessing all that goes on in her family and yet has no power whatsoever to change a thing. No desire even. Maybe that’s why I enjoy listening to Melanie Martinez. Being told one’s emotions are invalidated, is the worst possible thing. To be told that the way you feel means nothing, isn’t worth anything.

Throw on your dress and put on your doll faces.

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Praise God! 

I love worship. I really do, and it’s opened my eyes to so much more than I could ever imagine it would. Worship is a very intimate form of prayer, for me, when I sing the songs or play the keys, but it’s more than that. It’s praying. It’s so simple to say “oh yea pray the song” but it’s actually, quite hard. It’s above singing lyrics and knowing tunes, it’s about surrendering yourself to the Holy Spirit, and knowing that what you’re doing is not from you, but from God. 
Initially I joined worship because you know I could play the keys so why not? I mean I liked praise and worship, but I never had a strong calling to join it. It never occured to me the power and influence worship can have on others and on ourselves. Over the past week, I finally gained a tiny insight into, whatever this is. It’s actually rather difficult to completely surrender yourself and believe, “Lord, I am your instrument, use me in this time, to spread your mercy and love into the hearts of others.” Just as we musicians use instruments to make harmony, tunes, to allow others to sing, God uses us instruments to give love, allowing others to experience him in a different way. 
The experience of being in the worship team as compared to attending a worship session is different, but similar in the way we allow God to take control. And that’s all that really matters. Immersing yourself in the presence of the Lord is the only thing that matters, not how well you sing or if you’ve played the wrong chord. 
The effect it has on others is astonishing though. And it’s super duper easy to be like “great job guys! We did well!” But honestly, it should really be “praise the lord! He has worked wonders through us!” It’s a combination of humilty and understanding that all that we do is not our own ability, but through the Holy Spirit and the gifts God has given us. Just sharing something, a message from a confirmand’s mother. (Anne is a confirmand who has CP) 

  
And honestly, praise the Lord because tiny miracles like this do happen, and it’s not because of us humans. Be it whether you were praying over, or worshipping or facilling, because we are merely tools God uses to spread his love, joy, mercy, and faith.

Thank you Lord Jesus, for bringing me into this path of serving and loving You. 

This Generation.

More often than not, we think of ourselves as… idiots. Or morons that are ignorant and don’t “understand” the world. Obviously because the adults around us have been constantly reiterating that we “don’t know anything” or that we “are spoilt”. We’re the generation that uses our phones all day and waste our time watching youtube videos (or writing prententious blog posts as if they knew anything at all). But I don’t look at this generation and think “wow what a bunch of idiots the world is gonna burn”. I think “wow, what a bunch of idiots that are so ironically amazing.” I look around me, and I see hope.

This is a generation of change, and a generation with an unfair burden. That we have to bear the reprecussions of our ancestor’s mistakes, like global warming, discrimination, corrupt governments. This is a generation of hope. And I am so glad to be born in the time where we can access information by simply poking a flat screen, because that in itself is amazing. Adults always say “In my day… We didn’t have cellphones” (Yea in your day you couldn’t have a bidet wash your butthole for you are you gonna say that it was better in the 70s??) So why do people still believe that we’re such a spoilt generation?

Because when I read the news, I see two sides. I see a world, trapped with ugliness. With poverty, war, illiteracy, corruption, global warming. And I also see a world, with new inventions, with youths solving problems of the world, providing access to clean water, and I see that on the black wall of what would be our world, I see splotches of white, just bursting to spread its light to its surroundings. And with the UN’s Global Goals, I am so so happy that we’re finally fixing our world.

-This Generation-
In this generation, smoking has reduced by 50%, infant mortality has decreased, more people are getting an education, more people don’t DIE from diseases that have cures, and more people live. (Sorry I don’t have stats but yea)

Why aren’t we celebrating our progress? Why aren’t people shouting for joy when they hear “Oh look! Now these women and girls are free from the Boko Haram!” WHY AREN’T WE EXCITED THAT OUR WORLD IS BECOMING A BETTER PLACE. I know we’re nowhere near saving our world from anything really. And that’s why the UN Global Goals is so important. We NEED attention to be focused on what we’re lacking.

Unlike the vlogbrothers video, where Hank got angry because our world is truly messed up, I am glad. I am glad that there are people in this world, people who are educated, passionate, that CARE. Because these people, have the power to make change. We have the power to. Sometimes it’s so easy to forget that in this world, thousands, even millions are being persecuted innocently. Simply because (fortunately) we live in one of the best cities, where we are safe. It’s so easy to think “Oh Singapore I hate the education system because it’s so stressful” but we don’t appreciate the education. Yes it is flawed, but WITH this education we can bring change. We can spread the importance of education, to make other countries a safer, better place, and heck maybe one day change our own education system. This world isn’t perfect. And yes we should get angry that it’s not.

But I am so happy, that this generation cares.

(This is inspired by some tumblr post that I read, talking about this generation’s progress-like how literacy rates have increased, IQ levels are increasing. And also the latest vlogbrothers video, Pissed Off for a Better World . 

 
This is the Global Goals, and number 4 to me is so so so important. With education, we can bring about change and stop all the awful things happening in the world. So please spread this around everywhere. )

(This is my first try at writing a poem)

Incoherent

I muse aimlessly
as I think tirelessly
What of the poem?
It’s a token
Of my demise or despair
A desperate attempt to repair

Beautifully rhymed to
meet the demand due
Of what? One might ask
Satisfaction of this task
This deed be done
Yet always undone

The incoherence of my thoughts
More improbable than my flaunts
To boast of mine own
Than to accept of yours thrown
In waste to seek acceptance
Or to defy thy own’s parents

‘Tis is pretentious
Speaketh none doth use
As a symbol for cleverness
Using Shakespearean as covers
No one to know of your cowardice
Or yet mine to be accepted

“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet”
or so I am told
Yet none bother to use such words
as flattery or prose
All this doesn’t rhyme, incoherent
yet I remind you, none too is your mind

You think me of something
not someone or nothing
It’s difficult to pinpoint
What of your mind thinks
But spare me your judgement
or advice or even thoughts
For I, most definitely,
Care not.

Feeling Myself

(I finally reset my password whoo!)

Do you ever find yourself feeling uncomfortable acting a certain way? Like people expect you to act this way but you just don’t feel it, and well you just do it anyway. Recently, my mom has been telling me to smile more, saying that I look scary when I don’t and it’s very unwelcoming. And well I feel weird to smile all the time because 1. It’s odd to just smile out of the blue 2. Nothing amusing is going on. It’s not that I’m passive aggressive or I hate joy, no I do smile a lot, I just don’t smile all the time. And it feels like now there’s a certain burden that I withhold, to always be the one to smile. It just feels, unnatural. (You know you have to be like greek yoghurt and be all natural) Anyway, I just felt uncomfortable.

So today during debate training, the coach(from another school) had a session on style, and we had to do a DISC personality test, and my results were DC. (Look it up) You’ll find that it’s a very aggressive personality, and it’s the “don’t mess with me” and “get on with it” type. So I was very confused, thinking “Since when was I like that?” And I really could not understand, and for my whole life I’d thought that I was the exact opposite. And when I spoke today, I was told to tie my hair higher, lower my voice, be more grounded, and I felt very comfortable. Like, it felt natural. I wasn’t really used to it, even omitting certain terms like changing “No thank you mam” to “No mam”. It was extremely odd for me. But, I felt great afterwards (even after messing up my entire case). Even after training, I maintained that authoritative persona, walked straight, even as I’m typing this I’m seated upright instead of slouching. It is completely different from how I usually act, and for this whole time I’ve realised. This is who I want to be.

When I say this is who I want to be, I mean I want to adopt a more dominant personality. It’s what I’ve always hoped I’d be. I’ve always hated being submissive, giving way to other simply because I’m short or I’m a girl. No. I want to show people that I’m here. That’s how I’d like to portray myself, and I like it. I don’t want to act how my mom wants me to act (I still love you mummy). If I seem bossy, it’s only because I want to be independent. I’d like to feel like I’m myself, and be myself.

Maybe someday, there’ll be equality.

Why do we always have this mindset that women are inferior? It really angers me that people are treated differently, for no legitimate reason, and yet it’s still considered “okay”. No it’s not. It’s considered oppression. No one gave you the right to oppress others.
It goes the same for anything, really. Your gender, your race, your religion, your sexuality, your social status, your standing. Why do we emphasise so much on clamping down on things that simply aren’t considered normal? I do get upset, when people are being unfairly treated, be it in small ways, or in large ways.
From a woman earning 77c to a man’s dollar, to gay rights, to the injustice in law?? Especially the Ferguson incident or those alike- Really? You’re letting a white cop get away on paid leave for shooting a black teenager? MULTIPLE TIMES??? Gosh, why does the world have to be so infuriating?
I know the world isn’t ideal, and my way of thinking may be immature, but wouldn’t the world be much happier, if you would allow people to do what they want, as long as it doesn’t hurt them? I mean really what’s the harm in letting justice be done unto a normal person, or letting a woman earn the same amount of money as a man, or letting people of different sexualities than you get married? Wouldn’t it be so much easier if you stood to your own opinions, and you respect other people’s opinions, and they respect yours. And you don’t step on anyone else’s toes.

Other than my own personal dreams and aspirations, I live for the day, I see true equality. For race, for gender, for sexualities, for religions, for education, for healthcare, for anything worthy and is a right. I am truly, a feminist, and I am not afraid to stand up for the rights of others. And whoever else doesn’t agree with me, can go sit in the corner and rethink their life choices. Because right now? They’re being a giant prick.

A nice little box of opinions.

I imagine everyone to carry an ikea box in their arms, in it small novels which are, their opinions.

Now, some people have many opinions, some have very few, some are very passionate about their opinions, and that’s alright, that’s wonderful that you think about things and have views on them. What’s not okay, is when you try to force your own novel of an opinion into someone else’s box.

Now it’s okay if you go around and nicely read your novel to people around you, influencing them to too have that novel in their box. But don’t you ever dare to throw a book into someone else’s book, or try to ostracise/judge someone based on novels in their little box.

Everyone’s entitled to have their own novels, and you are too. And you ever change your opinion on something you can replace a novel that you once had with a new, improved one. You see that’s the beauty of it, you can only try to be correct if you are open and willing to constantly replace the novels inside for better ones.

The most important thing is to respect each others novels, even if they’re different than yours, or it goes completely against yours. Because likewise, their novels are completely different than yours and they believe that theirs is the right one. So basically you can have your own books and think it’s the best but you can’t force other people to believe your book is the best.

It’s all about have your own opinions, and that’s great. It really is. Just leave other people’s alone. Likewise, you are entitled to your own opinions, and anyone who tries to force theirs down your throat, is basically a piece of crap. Yeap.

So always believe in your little box of opinions, and always be open to exchange some of them! 😀