I wanna call you a journal. A diary’s too girly. A journal seems more proper and professional. Okay here goes.
Damn I kinda wanna feel like Bridget Jones with her diary. I’ll start over.
I feel odd. Ignored. Unappreciated. Probably just me, or my friends are too busy studying whilst I’m lazing my butt around. It feels like I’m always the one sacrificing something. Like I’m the one who always gives. Like I’m the one everyone takes for granted.
I don’t exactly know how to deal with everything. I’m terrified of midyears in 9 days. Yet I’m writing this blogpost instead of mugging my butt off. I waste 80% of my time on Tumblr when I could be learning a new song on the piano. I sit on the couch when I could be watching an educational video of some sort.
I don’t know. I wouldn’t say I keep stuff to myself. I just don’t know how to say stuff. I can’t voice it into words. How am I ever going to be able to say “Hey I helped you with that give me some credit” or “I feel really low could someone just give me a hug” or “Hey I feel left out, it’d be nice if someone messaged me”
So even if I felt horrible and cried how would I ever tell anyone?
I mean know my friends all care and love me but is it okay for me to constantly be the one who ends of the conversation with a question- A question that tries to keep the convo going but is valiantly ignored just because “you have better stuff to do”.
I don’t know. I wish I could be satisfied with what I have now. But of course I don’t. I’m human. I crave for things I yearn. I crave for attention, I crave for satisfaction, I crave for awe and respect, I crave for love. But these qualities are all I can see myself handing out like flyers and none reciprocated.
I wish I weren’t hormonal. That all this emotion welled up in me could vaporise.
I’m just wondering is it always okay for me to keep the conversation going on because I’ll feel lonely and sad if it stops. Is it okay for me to constantly think “oh will saying this make me look weird?” Cuz the amount of times I’ve seen people typing… then suddenly log off to never come back until I start the convo a week later, is not a small amount.
I don’t know but listening to happy songs make me sad.
“Things are looking up, looking up”
But they aren’t for me.
Is it just me? Or do people just simply don’t see me anymore?