Feeling Myself

(I finally reset my password whoo!)

Do you ever find yourself feeling uncomfortable acting a certain way? Like people expect you to act this way but you just don’t feel it, and well you just do it anyway. Recently, my mom has been telling me to smile more, saying that I look scary when I don’t and it’s very unwelcoming. And well I feel weird to smile all the time because 1. It’s odd to just smile out of the blue 2. Nothing amusing is going on. It’s not that I’m passive aggressive or I hate joy, no I do smile a lot, I just don’t smile all the time. And it feels like now there’s a certain burden that I withhold, to always be the one to smile. It just feels, unnatural. (You know you have to be like greek yoghurt and be all natural) Anyway, I just felt uncomfortable.

So today during debate training, the coach(from another school) had a session on style, and we had to do a DISC personality test, and my results were DC. (Look it up) You’ll find that it’s a very aggressive personality, and it’s the “don’t mess with me” and “get on with it” type. So I was very confused, thinking “Since when was I like that?” And I really could not understand, and for my whole life I’d thought that I was the exact opposite. And when I spoke today, I was told to tie my hair higher, lower my voice, be more grounded, and I felt very comfortable. Like, it felt natural. I wasn’t really used to it, even omitting certain terms like changing “No thank you mam” to “No mam”. It was extremely odd for me. But, I felt great afterwards (even after messing up my entire case). Even after training, I maintained that authoritative persona, walked straight, even as I’m typing this I’m seated upright instead of slouching. It is completely different from how I usually act, and for this whole time I’ve realised. This is who I want to be.

When I say this is who I want to be, I mean I want to adopt a more dominant personality. It’s what I’ve always hoped I’d be. I’ve always hated being submissive, giving way to other simply because I’m short or I’m a girl. No. I want to show people that I’m here. That’s how I’d like to portray myself, and I like it. I don’t want to act how my mom wants me to act (I still love you mummy). If I seem bossy, it’s only because I want to be independent. I’d like to feel like I’m myself, and be myself.

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